Today, I am sharing my blog space with an anonymous blogger. -R- at and you know what else has kindly organized the share and I’m out there anonymously one someone else’s blog too. At the end of the post is a list of all the participating blogs. Without further ado a warm welcome to my anonymous guest blogger!
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Boy, this blog share could not have come at a better time for me. I have a problem, see, a rather personal one, and there’s no way I’d ever have the guts to post about it on my own blog. So thanks, -R-, for allowing me to seek the advice of the interwebs without venturing into serious TMI territory with my own blog readers. My problem is this: I have lost my sex drive. It’s been MIA for a long while now, and I don’t know what happened to it or how to get it back. A little background: I’m in a very serious, committed relationship, and although we are not married, we mutually agree it’s where we’re headed. We’ve been together for the better part of a decade, and we’ve been living together for most of that time. I love my boyfriend dearly. He’s my best friend, he makes me laugh, he’s supportive and compassionate, he’s an all-around great guy. He’s good in the sack, and he’s never pushed me to do anything I’ve been uncomfortable with. But every time things head toward Horizontal Mamboville, I suddenly get a little … just … disinterested. It’s not like I don’t want to be close to him at all. I still love the cuddling, the kissing, the comfort of sleeping with him next to me. But for reasons that are maddeningly unclear to me, sex just doesn’t enter my mind anymore. It’s like that part of me has left the building, but has left behind all the love and commitment and other stuff that goes along with any healthy relationship. (Oh, and by the way, I’m 29. Not menopausal. I should be ready to hump at a moment’s notice right now, biologically speaking.) Needless to say, this has caused some problems. He doesn’t understand, and I can’t help because I don’t understand. I suspect it may be my birth control pills, but a lack of health insurance has forced me to let my prescription run out. It’s only been a few weeks since my last pill, so if that was indeed killing my sex drive, perhaps this situation will resolve itself. But what if it doesn’t? This is where you come in, dear readers. Have any of you experienced this? If so, how did you deal with it? Can you recommend any medicines or herbal supplements or lifestyle changes or anything? I am desperate here, people. My relationship is suffering because of this, and it’s gone on too long. Help me!
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Blog share blogs
And You Know What Else
Andrea Unplugged
Blue Soup
Bright Yellow World
Bwildered
Caity of the Keps
Catheroominations
Citystreams
Daily Tannenbaum
Did I Say That Outloud?
Dispatches From The Failed Mommy Club
Face Down
For The Long Run
Full Of Snark
Heidikins
In Java, Literally
Just Below 63
LizLand
Malfeasance
A New Duck
NonSoccer Mom
The North Is My Snowcone
Not The Daddy
Operation Pink Herring
Pants, Pants, Pants
Red Red Whine
Sassy Buster
Sauntering Soul
Shushing Action
Snarke
Snow-Covered Hills
Swimming With Sharks
Thinking Some More
Trueish Story
Way Way Up
Whiskey Marie
Andrea Unplugged 
I could have written this post. I have no solution for you, as I am currently living it. My significant other tries to be understanding, but obviously he has his wants and needs…This week ended a somewhat long drought in that department for us, so that’s good…But it’s hard for me, because I don’t want to not want to…I don’t know what the deal is. I’ll be checking back to read your other comments!
Oh, birth control pills will indeed do that. I think maybe that’s why they work so well 🙂
It takes a few months for your body to get back to normal after you stop taking them. I hope this is actually the solution to everything for you!
I agree that birth control pills can really mess with you, and also that it can take a LONG TIME for the effects to subside. When I’ve gone off the pill in the past, it’s taken up to 6 MONTHS for my cycle and such to get back to normal. So I would give that a little more time.
This is really hard, but I know SO MANY women who are in this exact same boat. You’re definitely not alone.
The only thing that’s ever really negatively effected my libido is if I’m having emotional issues with my partner, but that doesn’t seem to be the problem here, so I’d say…yeah, the pills. Hormones being pumped into your body can do some weird things. If things don’t get back to normal now that you’re off them, though…please check things out with your doctor.
I am on BC pills right now (Loestrin) and a pill called Lexapro. I used to have a KILLER SEX DRIVE! I wanted to have sex with my husband ALL THE TIME, to the point that we would fight over it because I wanted it too much and he was annoyed by it, thus resulting in us not doing it that often. After I started taking these meds, my sex drive started to dwindle little by little, which for us, was a good thing! Now, it’s almost non-existent. I WANT to have sex with my husband and to be close to him, etc. It’s just when we start to, I go into la la land. I can’t focus on what we’re doing or how it feels. It’s almost like an out of body experience. I truly believe it is the BC, but honestly I don’t know what to do about it! My husband says that it’s okay and we just make sure to take more time out for things like this now. He takes his time and takes care of me first and we just go from there…
The pill does kill sex drives. Trust me, been there. Am still there, actually, since we can’t really come up with a workable alternative and having a child is SO NOT AN OPTION right now. I don’t have any wise words or anything, but I can tell you that I know what you’re going through and how much it sucks to want sex but not WANT it.
Truth is, I just don’t want to. I like the IDEA of sex- the closeness, the intimacy, the sharing of something I can’t share with anyone else. But the truth is, I kind of want him to work for it. I want him to remember to kiss me gently and run his fingers over my skin and look me in the eye. But, he’s not 25 anymore and he doesn’t last for 2 hours, so he wants to skip right to the part that works for him. Only it doesn’t work for me. He bought me these natural herbal supplements to boost my drive, but that’s not it. And I’ve told him so. I told him so when someone else was willing to kiss and touch but nothing’s changed. So we live as chaste roommates in love, waiting for the day that something or someone will give.
I think everyone goes through this at one point or another. If it lasts longer than a couple months, I’d think about getting some professional assistance in figuring out what’s up. A routine exam, for instance, mentioning the problem.
Personally, I always find my sex drive heightened after working out. Maybe it’s the endorphins released, but it definitely helps. I have also found the book “Mars and Venus in the Bedroom” very helpful in explaining some of the psychology behind sex drive. So that’s my advice, get your hands on that book, and read it on one of the machines at the gym. I’m confident you will get your drive back, baby, yeah!
Just read comment #7, and if it is indeed the case that you need more foreplay, then Mars & Venus in the Bedroom is definitely a book you AND your man should read together. It just helps to understand the other side.
Oh, MAN, commenter number 7 just hit the nail on the head for me. And I’m taking commenter number 9’s advice ASAP.
Birth control pills can definitely mess with you in major ways, so perhaps that is the case. Like Sra, I find my libido increases with exercise. If you’re having health insurance troubles, how about Planned Parenthood? I know it’s not the best, but it’s something.
Seriously, get thee to Planned Parenthood. See a doctor. Check and make sure that this is just a normal reaction to a change in medication. They do a sliding scale fee, so you might even be able to go back on the pill (if that’s an option) at an affordable price.
I am in this same situation, and I am only 26. But I’ve been on the pill since I was 17. That must have something to do with it.
I also want to have sex, but very rarely find myself up for actually doing it.
Outdoor activities are always an aphrodesiac for me. A day of fishing. Or camping. You asked about herbs? Have you tried tea made with Damiana? It’s like Viagra for women.
Oh lady, I have experienced this too, and I am not even on birth control. I suspect in my case though that it is because I feel uncomfortable with myself after putting on a few extra pounds in the past few months. I’m hoping that a change in diet and exercise will help, but other than that I’m not really sure what to do.
All of the above it true. BC kills it for sure sometimes. Feeling uncomfortable in your own body kills it. Here’s the thing. Sometimes you just have to fake ’til you make it. I know it sucks but I have found that if I just push myself sometimes I can get right on over it.
Oh, oh, oh! Birth control pills WRECKED my sex drive! And I have a mad crazy wild wicked weird sex drive. Okay, maybe that’s too much information, but I have to say that it takes a lot to kill my sex drive but birth control pills managed to do it like a lightswitch being turned off. Horrible.
I hear ya! I find for me it is actually the begining part, the disengaging in whatever else I am doing sleeping, reading, or me time that is the hard part. I feel like, give me my time/space back! But if I put those feelings aside and try to be present I can then enjoy it. I used to be the initator all the time and not I just am not. But I think it has to do with my birth control, other things on my mind, and weight gain.
What has worked for me in the past is changing BC, and exercise.
I’ll join the “Planned Parenthood” club and also suggest your county/town family planning clinic if you do not have a Planned Parenthood in your area. Most towns or counties have something in place to help women receive “family planning” help when they do not have insurance. 🙂 You might also have your thyroid checked if you can find a free regular medicine clinic or an affordable physician.
Honestly though, I don’t think it is anything major (though I do not have a degree in medicine). I think you might just need to switch birth control pills 🙂
I’m not on the pill, so that hasn’t been my problem. I’ll probably never really know what the problem is, but I’ve found a solution:
I have to think about sex, in a sexy way, on a regular basis. When I make an effort to think sexy thoughts (or read a little smut, or whatever) when I’m not with my beau, I’m much more likely to be in the mood when I am with him. Straight men have constant reminders of sex in the form of media and advertisements, after all, and women who sleep with men don’t have that (dubious?) benefit.
I am afraid I can’t offer any help. I am going through the same thing, so you are not alone. I wish I had the sex drive I had in college, or even a few years after that. I’m the same as you, I like the kissing, the hugging and the snuggling, as well as sleeping together. I just don’t care about sex much.
Definitely your hormone levels could be out of whack if you’re going off the pill. Give it a little time, and if that doesn’t work, would you consider counseling? Maybe just for you? Or, maybe your boyfriend would go to counseling with you?
I’m not sure there’s an answer, but it sounds like you two have a strong enough relationship to weather through this.
Thank you all so very much. This has been VERY helpful. I will try all your suggestions, and perhaps I’ll share the results with you in the next Blog Share. 🙂 Thank you!
Thanks everyone for visiting my blog for blog share, and for being so kind and helpful to the anonymous blogger! Hope you’ll come back and visit again soon!
OMG, I could have written that post myself. I had to go off BC for a few months a while back and I indeed got my sex drive back, so maybe that’s a blessing in disguise.
I think a couple gals have said this already, but I have found birth control pills to drastically lower my sex drive. I didn’t notice it when I first went on them, because I wasn’t in a relationship at the time… but it does have an effect for me, for sure.
Some suggest an IUD. If you aren’t planning on having kids in the IMMEDIATE future.
GL